So, you’ve found yourself trapped in a horror movie. First of all, my condolences. Secondly, don’t panic (yet).
While the odds of survival aren’t exactly in your favor, this probably useless guide might just save your life—or at least make your final moments mildly entertaining. Let’s get started.
1. Don’t Investigate Strange Noises
If you hear an ominous thump, whisper, or chainsaw in the distance, resist the urge to check it out. No, it’s not the wind. It’s never the wind.
Lock your doors, stay put, and let the nosy neighbor handle it. Spoiler: they won’t make it.
2. Don’t Split Up
Ah, the classic group decision to “cover more ground.” Unless you want to be “covered in more blood,” stick together.
A lone person wandering into a dark basement screams “future missing person report.” Strength in numbers, folks.
3. Avoid Creepy Old Houses
If the Airbnb listing includes phrases like “rich history,” “secluded location,” or “probably not haunted,” run.
If you’ve already checked in, demand a refund and leave—no matter how tempting that clawfoot bathtub may be.
4. Skip the Ouija Board
Nothing good has ever come from summoning spirits. Did you lose your car keys? Too bad.
Don’t summon Ghost Brenda to help find them unless you’re cool with her sticking around forever and dragging you into her eternal drama.
5. Turn On the Lights
Why does no one in horror movies use light switches? The technology exists, people.
Illuminate the spooky hallway. Flood the room with LEDs. If your power goes out, then yes, you’re officially doomed.
6. Avoid Tripping Over Nothing
If you’re being chased, for the love of all that is holy, watch where you’re going.
Horror villains seem to have superhuman speed—even when walking—so you can’t afford to faceplant while they’re power-strolling toward you.
7. Don’t Say “I’ll Be Right Back“
This phrase is basically a death sentence. Instead, say something vague but safe like, “I’m staying exactly where I am,” or just stop talking altogether.
You could also try saying something absurd like, “I’m going to knit a sweater now,” to confuse the universe. Alternatively, simply hum an upbeat tune and refuse to engage in ominous dialogue altogether.
8. Beware of Mirrors
Mirrors are portals to horrifying revelations. If you’re compelled to check your reflection, don’t be surprised when someone or something pops up behind you.
Best to avoid grooming altogether. Sorry, no flossing tonight.
9. Get a Faster Car
If you’re planning an escape, don’t rely on that beat-up station wagon with a mysterious engine problem.
Drive something reliable and fast. Bonus points if it’s not parked on a foggy dirt road with an ominous “no signal” sign nearby.
10. Don’t Trust Creepy Kids
Little Timmy who hums nursery rhymes and stares blankly into space? Yeah, he’s probably possessed. Either keep your distance or hand him a juice box and hope for the best.
Maybe try asking him a math question—if he responds in Latin, you’re in trouble. Also, if he starts floating, just go ahead and leave the house entirely.
11. Stay Out of the Water
Whether it’s a murky lake, a cursed pool, or a bathtub that suddenly fills with blood, just say no to aquatic activities. Monsters love water; you don’t.
Even a harmless-looking puddle could be hiding something sinister. Stick to dry land and keep your feet where they belong—far away from anything damp.
12. Know When to Run
If you spot a clown holding a balloon, a doll that moves on its own, or a shadowy figure with a weapon, it’s time to go. Forget your stuff. Just run like your life depends on it—because it does.
Don’t look back, because that’s when they somehow get closer. And for heaven’s sake, don’t trip over your untied shoelaces while you’re at it.
13. Call the Authorities (But Don’t Count on Them)
Sure, call the cops. But don’t be shocked when Officer Jenkins shows up just in time to get mysteriously “taken care of” before backup arrives. Still, it’s worth a shot.
Calling for help is always a good idea, but you’ll ultimately be left to your own devices. It’s every man for himself!
14. Don’t Read Ancient Texts Aloud
Latin? Nope. Strange symbols? Nope. That dusty book bound in leather? Double nope. Put it down, walk away, and leave the summoning rituals to someone else.
Especially if you found these texts in a cave, an old abandoned home/castle, tombs, basically any place that’s been abandoned or is ancient. Leave it alone.
15. Never Assume the Villain is Dead
The classic mistake: turning your back on the body. Don’t. Poke it with a stick, douse it in holy water, and keep one eye on it until sunrise. Better safe than slashed.
Have learned nothing from Scream or Friday the 13th? Make sure you finish the job and they stay dead.